So. Taking things in a different direction today and not being so “wordy” and so serious; I think I want to just be me and have a conversation with the reader. Which is kind of weird because I don’t really know who my readers are. I mean, I guess I do but I don’t know them, know them. Well, most of them, eh, I don’t think. Am I making sense?
It’s been a rough past few weeks. Here is the breakdown:
I’ve had a lot of pressure at work. Normally, what I do is already stressful; but the place I work at now, takes stress to an entirely different level. I am not going to get into all the technicalities of my job so, you’re going to have to take my word for it. The place I work for is very “corporate”. Normally, in the past, the places I have worked for are on a much smaller scale. So with someone like me, my very presence in the company has a specific value.
Going back to this corporate place: where I work makes millions. Multi-millions. I am but a mere drop in the ocean of this company. A flickering ash floating above the burning planet, that is this company. They only hire the best and fire the second best.
In the last, almost year, I have been working on one major project. This project is an absolute nightmare. I’ve talked to other people who have been in the business longer than me and they too have said it is the worst project they have ever seen. The whole thing has been managed wrong and it’s a giant mess. This means that because I work in a corporate environment, there is a huge chance my head could roll. Not necessarily because I suck but because someone’s head has to roll…because it’s corporate and I am not “home grown” in the company like the other people involved. Yes, that actually makes a huge difference.
I’m not gonna lie and say I am not stressed because I am. I mean really, this company is amazing. If I was to get laid off, it would really suck in terms of benefits and what not. Like I said previously, I am very valuable, meaning, I can leave here and go somewhere else the next day if I wanted to. It’s more or less, inconvenient, for me than anything else because I would have to renegotiate salary and all that crap and start all over again.
So, because of all of this, I am working my butt off trying to impress the gods of this company just to look mediocre to them. I feel like they are trying to find anything to get rid of me. Yesterday for example, there was something that was overlooked. However, this project is in such high demand right now that it’s had to go through other hands just to meet deadlines. But for some reason, I am the one who gets blamed for this crap, even though I didn’t even touch that portion of the project.
So I am stressed and there isn’t enough wine in the world to quench thirst and need to forget this is even happening.
There isn’t much to say about this except that it is a very costly sacrifice in terms of time. To have the time to do this all the time: You cannot have kids, a career (a real job), life goals, an eating habit, etc. Seriously. Don’t get me wrong, I love doing it. I purposely despised it for a long time and my wife finally broke down that wall for me. I don’t know, it takes a lot of dedication. I will go more into this later and how this show has deeply affected me. That’s not going happen for a couple weeks until after this thing is over. So yeah, you’re all going to have to wait.
Then there is life in general: Wife, kids, my diet, what little of a life I have left after all of that…
You know, it’s just really hard, as a bonafide grown up to be anything but wrapped up in everything. I wish there were more than 24 hours in a day. I wish I didn’t have to worry about work. (That doesn’t mean I don’t want to join some pyramid scheme or MLM, so please don’t even privately message me about a better opportunity.) I wish I had more time to better cultivate my marriage and relationships with kids, family and friends. I am barely holding on by a thread. But, you know, this isn’t a small violin sonnet of misery. This is my life in general. I love it.